Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

Every year this day always brings me a mixed bag of emotions. I just never know what kind of feelings it is going to bring up for me or what I am going to pull out of the bag. Shake it up and see what falls out...

I wondered today what my birth mother feels or thinks about this day. Does she think of her two kids that she abandoned and wonder what they are doing on this day? Does it make her regretful that she made those choices? Or does it even phase her at all? Does she feel sad because nobody acknowledges her on this day reserved for showing appreciation to your mother.

Sometimes it brings up anger for me. Why would I acknowledge a woman who was never a mother to me? She did give me life by birthing me, but other than that, what else can I feel appreciative to her for? Nothing really because she was too non existant in my life.

I felt sad this year on several levels. One because not having a mother growing up left a hole inside me for many years that is still there. Most times I can fill that aching void with other things. People in my life that I am appreciative for. There have been many. Yet none of them are a true mother no matter how much I try to imagine that they are. That is a loss I will always grieve for.

As well, I get a sense of my own womanhood as well knowing that I will never get the privledge of being a mother myself. That makes me sad some days too. I would have made a fantastic nurturing mother. But things don't always work out how we think they will and we deal with the lot we have been given. I grieve for the loss of my only child just as much as I grieve for the loss of my childhood.

It's days like this that make me do alot of deep profound thinking. Pensive, and a bit sad yet still I will move forward and live my life with joy in spite of it all.
I don't know why it surprises me still sometimes that the grief sneaks up on me. I guess I can attribute that to it is always a journey of continually moving forward. Just like moving along a spiral.... upward and onward.

Sometimes that's all we can do.

8 comments:

ICE said...

yeah I can see where this day would cause you mixed emotions, and as bad as I would like to say something profound - sometimes (as you say) all you can do is keep moving forward - which - you do very well Ms Polar Bear!

Hope you had a Happy Sunday May the 8th!

ice

Whit's Whittlings2 said...

PolarB:

It is most unfortunate when a holiday brings up sad memories for a person. For some individuals, it is because they have lost a mother; for others, because they never had a mother.

Sweet Tea said...

I'm glad you "put it out there" - can't deal with what we don't acknowledge. I have one adopted daughter and I'm praying she does not have the emptiness you describe. Praying I can "stand in the gap" and make a real difference. (((HUGS))) So glad you stopped by my Blog and that we have reconnected...I'll be back!

PolarB said...

Thanks Ice- the one good thing is that when emotional stuff comes up it doesn't knock me on my butt like it used to. I say what I need to express and move onward.

Hope you and Pup had a wonderful day too.

PolarB ;)

PolarB said...

Yes Whit alot of people feel the sadness another way with the loss of a wonderful parent. Hugs to all who need a hug today.

PolarB ;)

PolarB said...

Sweet Tea, yes it is good to acknowledge the feelings whatever they may be. I am sure your adopted daughter knows you love her and that is a good thing. She may have unresolved feelings about her biological mother yet you are her true mother.

PolarB ;)

Skinny said...

I was hiking Sunday with a lady from a dysfunctional family, problems with her real mom. Behind the image of everyone gathering to praise mom is a lot of other stuff. Your experiences are part of that fabric. Thanks for posting this, it made me think a bit. I like your positive outlook on all of this.

PolarB said...

Thanks Skinny-- I always try to focus on the positives because what good would the negatives do me?

Bear Hugs!
PolarB ;)