Every year this day always brings me a mixed bag of emotions. I just never know what kind of feelings it is going to bring up for me or what I am going to pull out of the bag. Shake it up and see what falls out...
I wondered today what my birth mother feels or thinks about this day. Does she think of her two kids that she abandoned and wonder what they are doing on this day? Does it make her regretful that she made those choices? Or does it even phase her at all? Does she feel sad because nobody acknowledges her on this day reserved for showing appreciation to your mother.
Sometimes it brings up anger for me. Why would I acknowledge a woman who was never a mother to me? She did give me life by birthing me, but other than that, what else can I feel appreciative to her for? Nothing really because she was too non existant in my life.
I felt sad this year on several levels. One because not having a mother growing up left a hole inside me for many years that is still there. Most times I can fill that aching void with other things. People in my life that I am appreciative for. There have been many. Yet none of them are a true mother no matter how much I try to imagine that they are. That is a loss I will always grieve for.
As well, I get a sense of my own womanhood as well knowing that I will never get the privledge of being a mother myself. That makes me sad some days too. I would have made a fantastic nurturing mother. But things don't always work out how we think they will and we deal with the lot we have been given. I grieve for the loss of my only child just as much as I grieve for the loss of my childhood.
It's days like this that make me do alot of deep profound thinking. Pensive, and a bit sad yet still I will move forward and live my life with joy in spite of it all.
I don't know why it surprises me still sometimes that the grief sneaks up on me. I guess I can attribute that to it is always a journey of continually moving forward. Just like moving along a spiral.... upward and onward.
Sometimes that's all we can do.